


Mist of Infamy

by booktick



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Hawkeye Pierce, Episode: s01e17 Sometimes You Hear the Bullet, Established Relationship, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied "Trapper" John McIntyre/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Love/Hate, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 09:55:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17322812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booktick/pseuds/booktick
Summary: 'I'd give you a kiss, but...I can't lift my head.'Kisses with Tommy were like running instead of walking. Fast and hard and ending far too soon. It had always ended the same way between them, with Hawkeye out of breath and knees buckling before he could reach the finish line. There wouldn't be any time left for that now. It was useless to think otherwise. Hawkeye would never run again, he just knew it.





	Mist of Infamy

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own none of this franchise.

* * *

Denial.

Tommy was on the operating table right before him and his feet stuck to the ground. He doesn't remember how he got here, the camp told him wounded had come in. He had ran there, ready to try and help save lives. There would be more faces he'd have to see, open wounds and torn pieces of flesh and ruined limbs but it would be people he'd never seen before. It'd be people he would meet for the first time and he'd say ' _This is Dr. Pierce, everything's going to be okay' or '_ _The 4077th's gonna take care of you, I promise_ '. Something encouraging. Things he wished his doctor would say, that he wished more doctors would say.

He puts on the gloves and he looks down at his patient. Henry doesn't even have the decency to warn him. It's the OR. There's no time for decency. He has to find out his best friend is on the table and Hawkeye feels like a butcher. His hands are meant to save lives, to sew up the bad stuff and send them on their way--alive, maybe a little less than they were but alive. Tommy, even when hanging on by a thread, has the nerve to joke even then. Hawkeye's heart is ready to burst, it's all wrong and beats too fast--not like it usually does around Tommy.

This is wrong.

This is so _wrong._

If Tommy wanted to get his attention, why did he have to do it like this? He would have put in R&R to see him. He would have gotten them a place in Tokyo to run around. He would have really made something of their time in Korea. He could have done that. Hawkeye could have fixed this. Tommy was a real jerk for doing this, he...he knew Tommy was like this. The first time he saw his best friend, the man had kissed Henry Blake square on the mouth and Hawk had never see Henry blush so fast. It was just like Tommy to turn everything upside down.

And if he could just...if Henry could have let him open Tommy up...

If he could have done that then Tommy would have been okay. Tommy would have gone home and would have sent letters. Tommy was always like this. Tommy was always leaving him when things got tough. Hawkeye was alone before, he wasn't about to be again. Trapper didn't get it. Trapper told him that it was okay to grieve over a friend. What would Trapper know? It wasn't like Trapper was used to being left behind. No, no, he...he was just taking it out on Trap. Tommy...Tommy heard the bullet and Hawkeye didn't.

This wasn't the same world Hawkeye remembered. Everything he touched now felt rough and it burned his fingers. He couldn't even slap a hand down on Radar's shoulder without getting the willies. It's real lucky that Tommy was on that operating table, otherwise Hawkeye would have wringed his neck himself. He...this was wrong. It wasn't how things were supposed to be. He was so sure he'd go to bed that night and wake up and Tommy would be there to tell him he got him good. Hawkeye would laugh and things would be okay again. As okay as they could be, as they _should_ be _._ A world without Tommy Gillis was a world Hawkeye Pierce wouldn't dream of.

Tommy made this world a little brighter. Hawkeye _couldn't_ imagine a world without him.

* * *

 

Anger.

_'I'd give you a kiss, but...I can't lift my head.'_

Kisses with Tommy were like running instead of walking. Fast and hard and ending far too soon. It had always ended the same way between them, with Hawkeye out of breath and knees buckling before he could reach the finish line. There wouldn't be any time left for that now. It was useless to think otherwise. Hawkeye would never run again, he just knew it. How could Tommy do this to him? He had been through the thickest of it all with that guy, and Tommy up and dies on him.

Hawkeye had been holding on, he really had. He had flirted with all the nurses in Korea, had drowned himself in gin with Trap and had traded cards with Henry. And Tommy...damn it, Tommy came running in like he always did, head first. Knocked the wind out of Hawkeye and left, only to come back with half a soul. Tommy should have carved a chunk out of Hawkeye's for good measure. Maybe then Tommy would know just as much this hurts.

That was so like Tommy. He remembered back in Crabapple, Tommy and him behind the pond near out the Gillis' place. It was a lot like this, Tommy on the ground, eyes shut and Hawk's there on his knees so terrified--so damn terrified-that this it. That this was really it. And Tommy, being Tommy, grabs a hold of Hawkeye's collar as soon as he leaned down just by an inch.

He's so startled that he can't even get an insult in. Tommy's kissing him and the anger washes off him easily. He practically melts for Tommy Gillis. And then Tommy's laughing so loud it nearly bursts both their eardrums. He's so mad at Tommy, he refuses to speak to him the entire walk back to the Gillis' place. All it takes is for an arm around his back and a head bump to get him to talk. Tommy's good at making other's feel better.

And now Hawkeye's angry again. There's no Tommy there to burst his bubble, not that it was there to burst anyway. Trap offers his bed to him, says they can dream of Tokyo. Hawkeye doesn't mean to nearly bite Trapper's head off. ' _Jeez, Hawk. I was only offerin'.'_ He can't even offer an apology before Trap's out of the Swamp. Hawkeye hangs his head, palms pressed to his face and chin at his knees. If he sits here forever, maybe the war will be over by the time he remembers how to breathe. He should have told Tommy to take R&R, to grab hold onto what the world had left for them in this crummy existence of theirs. Tommy's parents were going to be lost without him. Tommy should have known better than to go off and die without saying goodbye. What was so wrong with goodbyes?

Hawkeye's face is drowned by his tears. The tears stain his clothes and he hates Tommy Gillis.

Damn it. He _loved_ Tommy Gillis. Tommy was his best friend.

Who was going to be his right arm now?

_Damn it, Tommy._

* * *

Bargaining.

He had enough in him to get through another round at the OR. He helps Trapper sew up a few more patients and sends a boy barely sixteen home to his parents. It should have been Tommy crosses his mind. It's not something a doctor should think. He's seen enough kids go home, and enough kids go home dead. Tommy should be alive. He still trusts that if Henry had let him keep working on Tommy, that'd his best friend would be there in Post-OP. Tommy would have been barely awake, sure, but he'd be alive.

He tells himself he can't go blaming Henry. The man hadn't meant anything by his comment, in fact it had been a stroke of kindness by Henry to tell him to go help Trap instead. That's what you do, right? You help who can be helped. He never really thought about it until now, until Tommy from Crabapple was in their OR. Okay, maybe he hadn't been on his best behavior here. It had been a real shitty deal if him and the rest of the world were being straight with one another. The luck of the draw, he had been drafted to thousands of miles away and so had Tommy.

They didn't deserve this. None of these kids deserved this.

Tommy had come here with nothing but his charm and a good sense to get out when it was needed. Tommy should have...he doesn't know. He can't think straight. It's hard to sleep after everything that's happened. It keeps racing, all these thoughts, right through the back of his head to the front. He can barely lift his head anymore, it's hard to keep eye contact. He doesn't even try and irritate Frank--a favorite hobby mind you--and that only confuses the poor oaf.

He doesn't have to heart to tell Frank it's not about him.

Why was it Frank Burns could run around bringing everyone down to his level but Tommy barely shows up for a week and ends up dead? How was it that Frank Burns could do anything and be just fine and Tommy is cold in the ground? He doesn't get it. If he could just have a few more minutes, if he could have ran a little faster to the OR...

He's so sure Tommy would have been okay. He's so good with his hands. Tommy always said he'd be great as a surgeon. As easy a surgeon as he was a lover, that's what Tommy said to him. All Hawkeye needed was just one more minute, all it took was just one more minute. Hawkeye needed something that this war was unwilling to give him: _Time_.

* * *

Depression.

Hawkeye doesn't take R&R like Henry thinks he should. Too many wounded, Hawkeye says to him. They might need him. But what good is he to them? Really, what good is he to any in the camp? Hell, even Radar was doing more than he was. All he had to was be a surgeon and he let his own best friend bleed out. Some friend he was.

He does what he usually does when down in the dumps, drinks until he forgets. This time it doesn't work. Not that it really works ever, it just settles in the back of his skull and prepares for the journey home. He would never be able to face Tommy's parents. It was his fault Tommy died. He was supposed to be good with his hands, the best in all of Crabapple besides his Dad. And now he's alive and Tommy's a gravestone.

A gravestone can't tell him it'll be okay. A gravestone can't say ' _I love ya, Hawk'._ What the hell was he supposed to do now? Leave flowers and say how sorry he was? No, no, no. That wasn't how it was gonna be. He'd sooner die himself. Who knows? Maine already had Dad. They didn't need anymore doctors. It was a small town. He could be buried next to Tommy. They'd have matching stones.

God, everything ached. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't...everything was too loud and wrong and Tommy was gone. He was alone. He would never have a friend like Tommy. He misses his friend. He misses Tommy so much he can't cry anymore. It's all just...too much. He thinks too much and too fast and it's all Tommy Gillis' fault. Why did a guy like that have to exist? Why did Tommy have to barge into his life and stick around until a war came around? If he could just...stop and breathe, maybe his thoughts would slow down.

Hawkeye wakes up in the middle of the night to Trap's arms around him and Frank Burns' unbelievable snoring. Trapper's breath is in his ear, pressed up against Hawkeye's backside. Trapper's arms warm and safe while Tommy's are cold and stiff. It almost feels like an insult to Tommy's memory. He doesn't understand. He had no problem being close to Trapper before Tommy arrived at the 4077th. Was this the universe's big joke? The punchline being that he only felt shame, felt guilt, after having his past shoved under his nose? Tommy used to make him feel like he was safe from everything bad in the world. Tommy could shadow anything and everyone back in Maine...but....

Trap feels safe. He likes feeling safe again and the guilt returns. Yet, he doesn't push the man away. He thinks about how this is the first time he's actually gotten some sleep since Tommy died. He hates this. Why does he get to wake up but Tommy doesn't? He hates it. He hates it more than anything. He hates himself.

* * *

Acceptance.

Hawkeye writes to Tommy's parents. He knows nothing he writes will make up for what they've lost. It certainly doesn't make up for anything here at the 4077th. He seals the letter with an unwritten declaration of love and a ' _There will be no one like Tommy Gillis in this world again. It was an honor to know him_ '. He isn't sure if it's the right thing to end the letter with but he's selfish and knows he has to say it. It's what he needs to hear himself say.

He hopes the letter doesn't get lost on its' travel. Tommy's parents deserve to hear this from someone they know. He writes to Dad immediately after, explaining his recent lack of communication. It wasn't like him and Dad to go so long without talking. He's sorry he worried him he writes, tells him about Tommy and hopes what's left unsaid is as clear as he means them to be. Dad always had an eye for things left unsaid. He asks him to leave flowers at Tommy's gravestone until he gets back to Maine. A nice bouquet too, he'll even send money. Something wild and larger than life, just like Tommy was. 

It won't completely erase the sting inside of Hawkeye. But it's a start. He thinks of saying goodbye, it feels too much like an end and he and Tommy will never really be done. Even if they hadn't exactly been lovers in the end or together like before, he would still hold Tommy in his heart. He'll wait until he returns to Maine, visit Tommy wherever they put him to rest, then he'll say goodbye. He could move on, move forward, for now. That felt...right. It was the right thing to do. Tommy would want him to keep going, to not let the bastards get him down. It was like Tommy's book, even if Tommy didn't have another chapter, Hawkeye Pierce had his.

He took his real first breath after that. It was just like Tommy to go and have him mourn for him, huh? That _ridiculous, kind, open hearted_ man. 

' _You're my problem. I think I love you_.'

He really did love Tommy Gillis.


End file.
